At the beginning of every University semester, I need to go through the awkward conversation of validating my non-verbal learning disability. This usually involves a very medicalised perspective of ticking off boxes to validate why I’m worthy of receiving certain accommodations. I’ve learned through my educational years, that I need to be my own voice and my own advocate. Unfortunately, a paper doesn’t justify enough and is just a black and white document.
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“You don’t look like you have a learning disability.” “I would never have guessed that you had a learning disability.”
The one in five individuals who have learning or attention issues, like my peers and I who serve on the Young Adult Leadership Council of the National Center for Learning Disabilities, hear these comments all too often. It’s frustrating evidence that some in society have an “image” of what individuals with learning disabilities should look like or what they should be able to accomplish.
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Growing up with an NVLD can lead to multiple challenges so understandably you have an extremely high risk for developing low self-esteem. The most common cause of low self-esteem is being misunderstood. Classmates may see your social challenges as odd, teachers raising or lowering their expectations for you, and the many other challenges are all situations that can have a negative effect on your development. They often leave you wondering why you are so different from others who have a learning disability.
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One time, I was talking in therapy about how, whenever I feel lonely, I imagine talking to someone and the conversation going perfectly. I have an idealized version of how the relationships in my life (of every kind) should turn out and replay imaginary scenes of successful social interactions in my head as a source of comfort.
When I told my therapist this, he said, “Do you think that has something to do with the NVLD?”
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To those growing up with an NVLD–
Growing up there were days I thought to myself why do I have an NVLD and my sister is gifted. So I totally understand if you are experiencing some very difficult moments. Truly the people I wrote about are only a fraction of people who be where I am today and I want you to understand “It Takes A Village To Raise A Child.”
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Think of your brain as a form of radio that aids in carrying a signal. If that radio isn’t working properly then you won’t be getting proper reception. The signal is still there but it’s just a bit fuzzy. This is an analogy for having NVLD, it doesn’t change who you are but it does change the way you process and relate to others. It has been extremely difficult throughout my life to properly convey myself.
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When your brain relies upon words as if they were a source of oxygen, it is particularly disconcerting when you cannot explain something. The discomfiture rises to the next level when that “something” tangibly influences your personality, social interactions, manner of processing, self-regulatory abilities, and morale. Yet, this robust but enigmatic “force” is invisible to others, and it often seems as if their quizzical expressions and exasperation offer the only evidence of their perception of its existence. Eager to connect, you return their expressions with a wistful smile, but must now painfully accept the reality that your objective has shifted from maintaining reciprocity to averting disaster. You channel all of your energy into repairing the communication breakdowns and dodging bullets, but are seized by the apprehension that any explanation would engender further confusion and nebulousness. You, therefore, endeavor to dismiss it and promptly move forward, but the vicious cycle has already begun. The more effort you exert to conceal these deficits, the tighter the chains become, the greater the anxiety and isolation, and the more you feel compelled to escape.
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As a result of having a nonverbal learning disability, I’ve often found myself more aware of strangers, their faces, and their voices during social interactions. What is a normal, subconscious part of daily life for most people is a skill that I needed to learn, starting at a young age. I spent years being coached on these by occupational therapists and counselors as a youth, and took multiple classes on nonverbal cues and displays of motion as a graduate student in education. Thus, I end up hyper-focusing on social situations, even when there is no reason to.
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When I think about teaching young adults with NVLD, I sometimes step into a situation that is fraught with past failure, misunderstanding, and frustration on the part of the client and his or her loved ones. We have to work skillfully to set the stage for change and growth, and to help a client’s family understand that their loved one is not hapless, or willfully failing at the goals they have set for themselves. Families of NVLD adults can feel hopeless to understand, and feel discouraged from extending further help to their loved one. It is as if a tough love approach, which I have not seen work for any learning disabled student of mine in 25 years of private practice, is a last ditch effort by frustrated and worried parents to force change upon the NVLD person. Sometimes, this tough love is experienced by the NVLD client as a withdrawal of support just when understanding is most needed.
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