Awkward, by Nicholas

By April 15, 2020 NVLD Bloggers

Hey, hi, how are you? Oh, you weren’t talking to me? There’s someone else right behind me? Awkward. I guess I should pay more attention to my surroundings. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you, so I can understand if you’ve forgotten who I am, although I probably won’t realize it until later.

Hopefully I didn’t put you in an awkward position by making you try to remember something about me. It probably weirds you out how much I remember about you since we haven’t seen each other in a long time. I like you, but I don’t know how to tell you because I don’t know what words to say, so I guess I’ll just look at you from across the room and hope you don’t catch me staring. That would be awkward. Hopefully it doesn’t take me 5 years to figure it out. I know that’s a long time, but I still need you to take my feelings seriously. Yes, I’m still interested in you after all this time. You have no idea how hard I worked to figure out what to say. We’re just going in a circle here on the dance floor and the silence has gone on for too long, but I don’t have anything to say, so I guess I’ll just try to enjoy it. It’s something you have to get used to with me. When I asked you to prom and you said you’d go with me, I didn’t expect you to show up with another guy. What am I supposed to do with this corsage I was going to give you? You came up to me and asked for my help lifting something for you, but I soon realized you were trying to get me alone so we could talk. I ACTUALLY REALIZED A GIRL WAS INTERESTED IN ME. We went and hid in a corner and talked for hours- you talked, and I listened because I was still pretty awkward at that age. I should have had something to say, but I was just happier listening to you. Eventually I got your number and tried to take you to homecoming, but in the end, I messed it up by saying the wrong thing and I never heard from you again. I’ve never been able to let go of that experience because it was the one time in my life I was sure a girl liked me. I’ve been talking with you online for months and today is the first time I saw you in person, so why does it feel so weird? Why did I decide to tell you it felt that way? Talk about awkward. I asked for your number because I wanted to go on a date with you, but I went and backtracked and said I just wanted to be friends when you told me you had a boyfriend. Why couldn’t I have just been honest about what I wanted from you? We have lunch everyday with the rest of our friends and the more we talk, the more I realize we have a lot in common. One day I decide to ask you out on a date, using those exact words and you say yes, only to turn around later and back out of it because you didn’t realize that’s what I wanted. How much clearer could I have been? When I came to your work the first time, I didn’t know how much I would grow to like you until one day when I saw you crying over your boyfriend and I knew I would never do that to you if you were mine. As I learned more about you, I couldn’t get that thought out of my head. What am I supposed to do with these feelings now? I finally think I found the one for me. You’re blunt and to the point and a hard worker and it seems like you soften up a little bit when I’m around. It feels like I finally found someone for me. You said you’d go out on a date with me and now I’m really looking forward to it. I thought it would be a sweet gesture to get you something for Valentine’s Day since I heard you say no one ever does that for you. I found out recently that it seems you’re already in a relationship and now I think I need to take a step back. Why couldn’t you have just been honest about how you felt about me from the start? I voiced my concerns to you, and it turns out you never felt that way about me and you didn’t think I was serious. Is that why it feels like you don’t want to make eye contact with me? You always look down when you walk by me now. Is it awkward for you now? I thought we talked it out and were in a good place. Why does it seem that girls only talk enough to help me understand them after they’re in a relationship already? It’s so disheartening to be a part of so many awkward situations. I was wrong again and again and it’s a vicious cycle. For some reason, I always feel so much shame for not understanding, like somehow that makes me the bad person. I wish I knew what it took for someone to feel that way about me. If I had just kept my feelings to myself, we could have avoided this awkward situation.


Quarantine life is actually pretty normal for me because my job is essential and I still have to go to work. The internet does make things less boring though.

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