44 years ago, I entered the world as a child brimming with potential, the convergence of a sportsman father with an affinity for the natural world and a mother with a creative vision.
I was diagnosed with NVLD at 15 after I failed to hit some social and academic targets. The psychologist said I was capable, but I never liked school and struggled with deadlines and social situations well through university. I graduated and an English Lit program and got a job selling CDs in a trendy music store. High hopes were eventually dashed due to poor performance and conflict. I got a job in a high school as an EA and did ok — although I look back and cringe at that kid in his kid-twenties and his social emotion challenges, I did well enough to be offered entry into a teaching program.
I declined, however, and for 3.5 years went to teach English in Korea. Drinking complicated things for me, as well as the social/emotional challenges. I finished two contracts and traveled to South East Asia, although planning and a certain aloofness prevented me from connecting with others. I became quite likely clinically depressed while I was there. Drinking, anxiety, shame, and embarrassment clouded my interactions.
When I returned to Canada I was broke. I took up life as a student at one of the colleges in the city. Creative Communications taxed was a gauntlet of social and emotional challenges. I flunked out after they put me with the Blue Jays.
I took a job in Northern Manitoba, getting as far as I could from that catastrophe. I landed a decent job in a government employment office and developed an excellent relationship for client-centered work; however, I met a very damaged woman and lost myself in an abusive relationship, sacrificing my characteristic independence, any social standing I had, and a lot of money. This coincided with increased alcohol use and public humiliation. I became depressed in the aftermath. At work, I was bullied as my struggles with CB became transparent. An investigation was launched, and then another.
Knowing my goose was cooked, I found a job in another northern community as an addiction worker at a school. I did well overall. There was even talk of management, which I found hard to square with my view of myself. I again encountered social and emotional challenges and a couple of bullies. But I recall it fondly up there. Even had another girlfriend/lover for a time.
I gave it all up to escape the effects of my drinking and public humiliation (yes, again). I moved south to be closer to my parents. I was promoted to Supervisor in just nine months — and then demoted after three. There
It was an office full of social aggressors and bullies and I didn’t know how to handle it. There was an investigation, I was painted as a sexist tyrant. I countered and won ground back.
I still struggle with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, but have scaled back my drinking. Many challenges ahead and behind, but I’ve had a few people who’ve been supportive, including my folks and some great people in the helping field.
I’m plagued by shame and bullies and have developed a harder edge as a result. I still make my living as a helper and I think m good at it. But office politics have been challenging and I have no to be careful with anger management.
I live alone and struggle financially. I’ve got some status issues for sure and continue to struggle with mental health and feeling like a worthless slug.
But I’m still trying.
Maybe the story that matters most is the one you tell yourself.
Bob
Man in midlife with NVLD
