With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, it’s the perfect time to talk about dating and relationships. Between the endless swiping, ghosting, and all-dreaded situationships, dating is HARD- and when you add in the extra challenge of navigating a disability, it can feel even more daunting! Though I’m now in a committed, long-term relationship, these are the lessons I wish I had known earlier in my dating journey with NVLD.
1. Communication is key- even if it does not always align with “conventional” expectations
Understanding each other’s communication styles is a necessity for any healthy and fulfilling relationship, even more so when one or both partners have a disability. Last year, my girlfriend and I were at a friend’s house and had been there for several hours. As the night continued on, she kept giving me a subtle “eye” signal, indicating that it was time to go. As someone who struggles significantly with picking up on non-verbal cues, I completely missed it. At first, there was some slight confusion at why I had not picked up on the gesture, as it would likely be clear to the typical person. On the car ride home that night, I shared my NVLD diagnosis with her and the ways it would likely show up in our relationship. In this situation, the subtle gesture threw both of us for a loop in different ways, but the way she responded with such patience and understanding made all the difference to me. Going forward, we have decided to approach social gatherings and events with a clear signal when it is time to leave in advance to avoid any miscommunication and frequently check in with each other. This moment was a turning point for us, and I truly felt so visible and listened to in ways I had never before.
2. Test Compatibility Early:
Going off of communication, the more you practice sharing your diagnosis with people, the less shame you’re likely to carry. This applies to non-romantic relationships as well, I recently told my cooperating teacher for the spring about some things about NVLD that make my life harder. I think disclosure can be intimidating, especially with casual dating. Something as simple as sharing that this is how you view the world and interact with others and that it looks a bit different for you- feel free to keep it light! That initial conversation can set the tone for openness and authenticity, and create an open line of communication going forward. Having NVLD does not define us and it’s important for the person you are with to make that distinction as well. It does not need to be an entire conversation until (or if) your relationship advances. The way they respond can be a great way to test compatibility early on.
3. Please do not assume how we are feeling, verbally check in with us
Social gatherings and expectations can feel quite overwhelming, especially for those who struggle to read the room with subtleties and nuances. My brain is frequently running, wondering, and analyzing- even if it may not appear so on my face. As someone with NVLD, we tend to tire out more easily socially, mentally, and emotionally. Therefore, it is essential for my partner to know that my level of engagement or attentiveness is not necessarily always reflected by my facial expression. Being there for our S/O is a crucial element and creating space for both “me” and “us” can be quite beneficial to a successful and reciprocal relationship. It is all about openly communicating our needs in a way that makes us both feel visible and represented and that they can coexist. We all appreciate the extra patience, especially when it comes to how we are really feeling inside.
4. Embrace your unique strengths, whatever they may be (and add a bit of humor!)
Identify your “superpowers” if you will, and put your heart and soul into using those things to make your partner feel supported and loved. For example, I thrive on structure, routine, and planning, similar to many others with NVLD, so I am the designated trip planner in my relationship (and I totally own it and rock it!). With NVLD, a unique strength I possess is an incredibly keen attention to detail. There is nothing that excites me more than writing my girlfriend handwritten notes/letters or creating heartfelt crafts for her. When I was creating a hand-painted tile to place in her garden last summer, I affectionately joked to her that it was difficult for me to stay in the lines while painting, another fine motor skill that people with NVLD can struggle with. It is small moments like these that NVLD can bring us closer to our loved ones in unique ways, without us even realizing it.
5. Advocate for yourself!
Find someone who will fully see, love, understand, and support you in the most authentic way possible. I recognize this is all far easier said than executed. There are so many benefits to dating someone with NVLD, including our increased empathy for others, detail-oriented nature, thoughtfulness, and directness, but that doesn’t mean it is easy! When you’re getting to know someone, it is beneficial to not only cue them into what NVLD is but how it may show up in certain situations in your relationship- whether it’s needing additional time to process emotions or difficulty with nonverbal social cues. Celebrate your strengths too! If you are with the right person, they will appreciate them more than you know. This way, both partners feel loved, listened to, and supported.
6. Set boundaries when needed
While I may seem very comfortable with myself from this article, there are many aspects of my diagnosis that I still struggle with immensely. I can joke around quite frequently, but there are some “non-negotiables” for me when it comes to dating with NVLD. Some people with NVLD can become more overstimulated easily, which can translate to discomfort in physical touch and intimacy. For me, I struggle more with stimuli in high-stress environments, like chaotic, loud spaces which lead to me not loving nightlife- all of which I relayed to my partner early on in our relationship. I am very social, so I seek this in other ways, like getting coffee or dinner with friends, going on walks, or finding special interest groups like book clubs or religious/identity-based groups. This is another instance where communicating clearly is key, especially when sharing that your sensitivity to stimuli has nothing to do with loving or caring for your partner any less. Be open, find what you like, and if certain things are off-limits for you, say it! The above suggestions are not me saying it is in any way easy and that you will not experience frustrations in your dating life. Just be kind to yourself, we’re all doing our best and we’ve got this! Now go get out there 🙂
Becca
Becca is a dynamic freelance writer and English educator, who is currently pursuing her Master’s degree at Columbia University in New York City. Beyond crafting narratives that blend culture, identity, and personal history, Becca aims to weave communities together and foster empathy, understanding, and action. Becca’s works have been featured in Tablet Magazine, The Jerusalem Post, Times of Israel, Blending Magazine, To Write Love on Her Arms, and the evocative poetry anthology “From Angels to Rebels.” When she is not teaching or piecing together her first novel, she can be found typing away at a cafe, devoting herself to the daily crossword, traveling, hiking, or tackling her next puzzle!
