From the outside looking in, very few people know how challenging this year has been for me and that is not for one particular reason, it is a combination of things. To be honest, I went from teaching students with learning differences at a boarding school to putting myself first again – being in a graduate program that asks me who I am as an artist and who I want to be. And oftentimes that can be confusing, it is a process of learning to trust myself all over again.
Art is also not always seen as academic, but when you are in art school it is treated as an academic and you are constantly asked to interrogate why you are doing what you are doing. It can be a mind loop of questions where you overthink and feel stuck in your head until you finally figure it out or you think you do and then you are confused again. And when you are in art school – everyone on the outside asks, what are you going to do with that?
We were asked to engage in putting on our art exhibitions and organizing ourselves as students, and sometimes I would interrupt people or feel there were small misunderstandings. I was unsure I wanted to tell everyone about my struggles and my nonverbal learning disorder (NVLD). How I was not trying to be rude but rather I just have trouble finding pauses in conversations at times and I have worked so hard to be better at that. How my brain just works differently, and nonverbal communication is a challenge. Somehow, I can write and research NVLD, write an entire psychology thesis on the topic, present on the topic, and tell some people about it, but not others.
Navigating when to disclose differences can be a challenge. Our differences often divide us and when I am getting to know new people, I do not always want to be defined by what makes me different even though I am usually pretty open and willing to embrace all aspects of myself. It is a delicate dance so to speak. I do not want to be underestimated because of my learning differences or ostracized nor do I want to have to explain what I need from people all of the time; it is a balance of when to advocate and when to compensate. When to step back and when to step forward, it is often an art, not a science, timing is not so easy.
As I go forward, I am learning this art as I navigate a graduate art program. Pointing out how you are different is not always easy but as I continue, I am learning how to and that this knowledge of myself only explains some things even some of the ways I am great.
Samantha
My name is Samantha and I am currently a graduate student at Washington University in St. Louis. I graduated from Skidmore College. I was diagnosed with Nonverbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) in the seventh grade. This diagnosis is only part of my story and I am learning that it does not have to define me. I am learning to fully accept myself and NVLD as just part of my identity.
