Have you ever had that thought? Am I working hard enough? I must not be, because otherwise someone would have noticed by now. I feel like I could be doing better, but I don’t want to over exert myself. Getting older is annoying when I have to pace myself a little more. You’d think I could read between the lines and figure it out, but for some reason, I’m not good at taking a hint. It would be nice to have some reassurance.
Too bad people aren’t as outwardly expressive as they used to be. Like, how hard do I have to work for you to tell me I’m doing a good job? I don’t want to feel like I’m not pulling my weight and doing my part. It’s so hard managing other people’s expectations, or lack thereof. Yes, I understand that everyone has their limitations and you’re not trying to put any pressure on them, but in order to be to succeed and do my best, I need to know *exactly* what’s expected of me. It helps me quiet that internal dialogue that makes it feel like I’m playing from behind all the time.
Does this person like me? Why can’t they communicate their feelings more directly? Are they actually interested, or are they just trying to be nice to me so we can keep the peace and get along? It seems like you’re smiling a lot at me when you see me, which feels like a sign, especially since we almost never talk. Why else would you be smiling at me? What about me could you possibly like anyway? You don’t know anything about me. I want to do something about it, but I want to be certain this time because another rejection would be really deflating- but having NLD means I’ll never be certain. It’s my greatest internal struggle because I want this to work out and another failure would just make me feel like I should stop trying.
Just a reminder, I’m pretty awesome and I’m doing enough. I know that’s the truth, even if I’m doubting myself right now. My friends and family have told me as much repeatedly, so I guess I just need to do a better job remembering that since theirs is the only opinion that really matters. The best reassurance I can give myself is knowing that I’m trying my best, and that’s all I can ask. On the other hand, sometimes it is nice to hear it though, you know?
Nicholas
I thought I was done writing these, but it turns out I just had a bad case of writer’s block. It can be hard to not repeat yourself and find new things to talk about.
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