Trapped, by Kate

By December 14, 2017NVLD Bloggers

Ever since I was little, I knew something was different. I hated math and science, because my struggles with them made it impossible for me to understand. My peers all seemed to hate me, and I couldn’t figure out what I had done to make them feel that way. I felt uncomfortable in every place I stood, no matter where I was. I hated (and still hate) when people touch me without permission. I talked too much, whether to someone else, or just to myself. Schools were unwilling to offer the support I needed, even when they didn’t have to do anything, other than listen to my doctor or another expert. I felt unloved. I felt invisible. I felt completely clueless.

Then, everything became clear. My mom told me about my NLD and everything came into focus. My struggles with math and science were because I couldn’t process that information well. My struggles with social interactions were because I didn’t understand what people wanted from me unless they told me. I was uncomfortable no matter where I stood because of spacial and proprioceptive issues. I hated when people touched be because of a sensitivity to touch. I talked so much because my ears were my doors to the world. I will never understand why schools were unwilling to help, but I finally had a reason for my struggles.

Despite having a reason, my experiences still haunt me. My brain is still trapped in the place where people don’t understand me. Years later, I am still terrified that I am going to be pushed down on the playground tomorrow. Rejection holds me back from endless possibilities and even my own potential. My NLD is something that I will deal with for the rest of my life, but now I need to deal with the repercussions of it, so that I can move forward in my life. There is a reason for hope, and I am finding that every day.

Since discovering my diagnosis, I’ve been struggling with coming to acceptance of it. I’ve accepted that I have this disorder, but I am still trying to work out having to accept that I will have challenges because of it. I have to accept that I may never really get to do things others do because of my NLD. I have to deal with the fact that I was tormented as a child, so that I can have the friends that I so desperately want. I have to learn about the ways in which NLD affects my propensity for anxiety, because I don’t really understand the ways in which the world works. The list goes on, but I know that I have people around me to support me through those changes, and I can use my abilities for good things. I love language and words. So I write. My challenges are what make me special and I can use them for good. I can use them to make the world better.

Kate

I don’t really know what to say about myself. I find myself to be pretty uninteresting. I’m a massive fangirl, and I pride myself on knowledge of Marvel films, DCTV, Supernatural, and many other things related to movies and TV. I am a screenwriting major, and I hope to one day be able to be produced.

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